I am not trying to present any paticular viewpoint on the Middle East peace crisis ( other than truisms, that killing innocent people is bad and should stop ), I used it here because I needed to add some authenticity to what the Commission are doing, to show that they deal with countries that we do know as well as ficticious, made-up countries that nobody cares about. If anyone is offended by this, ( or any of the other content I disclaim every so often ), you may wish not to read this.
Also, as for the continuity of this story, I have no idea, but I assume it takes place sometime after the Hellraisers arc and before Untold Tales of the Lair Legion #200. Joss Whedon once said he sucks at math ( IIRC ) regarding historical dates of his characters’ backgrounds; I suck similarly at timing and continuity. The Commission #1 opens with Nitz the Bloody imprisoned on Christmas morning, but he’s at the Christmas party UT #200. And there’s no mention of Nitz’s activities in 200, so this may very well take place after the story HH is telling wraps up . My head hurts now......it just occurs when it occurs, I guess.
Anyway, on with the show....
The Commission starring Nitz the Bloody #6
By Neil Kapit
There has been internal conflict within Israel for over a century. The factors leading up to the conflict are complex, but the end result is simple; the Palestinians hate the Jews, the Jews hate the Palestinians, both fight tooth and nail over a relatively small area of land each believes they have claim to. And now, both groups have put aside their hate for each other in favor of fear for a new group; the Commission.
The Citadel has breached this dimension, and the ruins of a castle atop a floating rock now trail over the city of Jerusalem. The people below, previously engaged in a massive riot, look up with fear.
“ Attention Israelis, Palestinians, all assorted bastards in the region “ the voice of Jonathan Armstrong Stanng commands. “ I don’t care who owns what in this region historically, you’re just all going to have to get along the way you are now. We have every city in this region thoroughly bugged. Any time one of you tries to hurt another one of you, regardless of nationality or race, we will take action. And the result won’t be a pretty sight. “
One of the Palestinian militants below on the street picks up his machine gun and fires wildly at the sky. An Israeli soldier joins him as both men are somehow drawn together to attack the Citadel. The Citadel returns the fire with two yellow lasers that, upon hitting the men, immediately turn them into ashes.
“ Anyone ELSE want to be a hero for their people? “ the voice hisses. Everyone on the ground drops their weapons and holds their hands up. Many believe it to be an act of God, a God who has just become very, very pissed off.
“ This is Brian Nutley of Sox News Channel. Earlier today the controversial superhuman organization known as the Commission took over Israel, the Gaza Strip, and the West Bank all by force. Their message was simple; all aggression would terminate, or they would come in and start selectively killing people. Today we have with us the Umbra and Nitz the Bloody, live via satellite from their floating fortress over East Jerusalem. “
“ It’s an honor to speak with you again, Brian. “
“ Now, Umbra, is it true that you hold some sort of grudge against the Israeli people? “
” Brian, my parents were biracial; my father was Israeli, while my mother was Palestinian. Growing up, I wasn’t sure which side I was on. This way, we’ve forced both sides into peace, where nobody will ever be killed senselessly again. “
” Critics have leveled accusations of fascism against the Commission, taking over nations by force like this. “
” That’s not true at all. What we do is remove threats that the UN won’t bother with. We allow the countries to conduct their own lives and elect their own officials. Only when those lives start harming others, do we intervene. “
” But you do realize that you’ve interrupted a delicate, decades-long peace process with your blunderbuss approach? “
” Look at how well that peace process was going, Brian. Peace talks were getting nowhere. They use force, so the only thing they understand is force. “
” What about you, Nitz the Bloody? What’s your opinion on the matter? “
” Well....uhh....I never really studied Middle Eastern history, but...yeah, bad things were happening, and we stopped them. “
” What about the dozens of people disintegrated by the Citadel’s cannons, taken out over long distances? Some before they even committed a crime. “
” Well, we read their minds first.... “
” So now you’re saying that thoughts are punishable by death? People aren’t allowed to even THINK negatively? “
” No, uh, not quite.... “
“ Excuse us, Brian. There’s a Skunk Invasion in the Philippines that needs out attention. Now, if you please.... “
” But I haven’t heard any news from the Philippines.... “
At Parodopolis University, Social Psychology 102 in Adams Hall has just been dismissed. Two of the students, having sat next to each other, leave together. As they walk through the hall, the fifteen-year-old student chastises his friend, the twenty-year-old student, who just looks away.
” Nice job on the interview, “ Stanng teases. “ Maybe I should just get the Enlisted to speak next time we talk to the media? “
” I didn’t know what to say! “ Nitz exclaims. “ I’ve never been accused of fascism before! “
They walk over to the Quitely cafeteria, and enter the building, picking up some cheaply made hamburgers and french fries. They sit down on a stray table next to the window. “ Oh, those assholes in the media just like to use their ten-dollar words. “ Stanng tells him. “ They’re just one bit of journalistic integrity greater than calling us child molesters. “
Nitz’s mouth is full of food as he speaks. “ But they have a point, “ he states. “ Other superheroes don’t need to take over countries and kill corporate figureheads to save the day. “
” We are NOT superheroes! “ Stanng shouts. “ Superheroes fight little green aliens and rescue kittens from trees. We actually make a difference in the world. “
” Keep your voice down, “ Nitz whispers, “ I don’t want anyone to know that I’m an outlaw superher....post-human commando. “
” Don’t worry. Even if they knew who we were, what could they do about it? I’m the Platinum Child, you’re the Priest of Zeku. They fear us, man. They’re too busy creaming their shorts to risk pissing us off. “
” Incidentally, “ Stanng states, “ Molly told me to talk to you. Said something about wanting to meet you in a couple hours. I think she likes you. “
Nitz’s eyes widen, and he swallows his french fries hard hard. “ She does? I don’t....I mean....I do....uhh....wha? “
Stanng takes a sip of his Coke. “ You don’t feel the same way? I don’t blame you. I can’t believe we have that stupid ditz on the team. Can you believe she tries not to kill our enemies? She just uses enough force to knock them out? I remember the first time she actually killed a man. She was crying for days until I yelled at her; it was pathetic. “
” I don’t think that’s pathetic at all. “
” Well, I guess you two are made for each other. I can’t wait to see the honeymoon and all the Zeku deity giant freak babies you have. “
” Shut up! “ Nitz growls, throwing a french fry at Stanng. Stanng just laughs, snorting unintentionally.
The Garden in the Citadel; Molly Kitsarugi, in her true goddess form, rests inside a ( relatively ) small pool, her body filling it. Her head lies against a waterfall, as a ( again, relatively ) tiny stream washes over her blue hair. Her size-changing necklace lies off to the side, concealed under a bush. She breathes a sigh of relief.
When she opens her eyes, Molly sees Nitz on the shore, wearing his full costume. Feeling a sense of embarrassment at being seen in her true form, Molly’s eyes widen in horror as she squeaks “ Eep “, and she quickly reaches for her necklace. After several seconds of blindly putting her hand under various bushes, she finds it, puts it on, and shrinks back to her “ normal “ height of six-foot-four. She coyly swims to shore.
“ Nitz, “ she sputters, “ W-w-what are you doing here? “
” Uh, getting out into nature, “ Nitz lies. “ Or at least the Citadel’s pocket of it. How are you today? “
” Oh, I’m good! Stacy called me “ Mama “ today. “
” Who? “
” The Platinum Child. We’ve named her Stacy Infinity. Anyway, she said her first word today, and it was to me. “
” Well, you’re the only one who actually volunteers to change diapers, so it was kind of inevitable. “
Molly looks down at the ground. “ I know, “ she sighs, her eyes watering up. “ But what do I do about it? Nobody’s ever loved me before... “
An awkward silence ensues. After several seconds of quiet, Nitz puts his arm behind his head, shrugs, and asks, “ So, uh, Stanng tells me you wanted to talk to me. “
“ Yeah, “ Molly weakly smiles. “ Lance’s new movie comes out in three days, and he’s giving out tickets. I-I-I was wondering if you wanted t-t-to... “
” To what? “ Nitz wonders.
“ G-G-go w-w-with me to see it? “ Another awkward silence commences as Nitz’s eyes widen.
He grits his teeth and shifts his eyes to the side. “ Oh, uh, sure! Sure! Thanks for offering! You’re, uh, a good friend to do this! “
” Now, uh, if you’ll excuse me, I have some, uh, business to attend to in the Zeku dimension. Uh, see you Thursday? “
” R-r-right. “ Nitz quickly reaches for his cudgel, slashes downwards, and escapes through the opened tear in the fabric of reality. Molly stands still and watches him leave.
” Gee, Mr. Space Rhino, what gave that away? Besides the stream of profanities ensuing from the fact that I just blew my chances with a modestly attractive girl. “ You’re a good friend to do this “. Why the f--- did I say that? “
” But that is not what is really bothering you. “
” Well, doctor rhino, I can’t think of anything else on my mind. “
” How about the amount of forbidden Zeku spells you have been using? “
” That? Oh, come on. If you really cared about that you’d have appeared to me and bitched about it a long time ago. I’m doing fine. I’m helping people in a way I’ve never helped them before. What’s wrong with that? “
” I give the Priest of Zeku full autonomy, but in return, I expect that they respect other peoples’ rights. Including the right to life. Something your bald, pediatric acquaintance has not been doing. “
” Stanng? Look, I don’t like him any more than you do, but what am I supposed to do? He’s the super-genius, I’m just an ex-comic geek who lucked into the Zeku force. He knows better what the world needs. “
” And you would suspend your own free will to follow him? “
” I didn’t say that. “
” I think you should go back to the countries that the Commission has invaded. See what young Stanng has really been doing. “
” Why should I? To prove you wrong? Are you really suggesting that they were better with public executions? “
” And are you going to listen to Stanng, or yourself? “
The rhino dematerializes. Once more, Nitz is left alone in the Zeku dimension.
The Lair Legion Mansion, Parodopolis: in a situation that is relatively rare, Jay Boaz is without headgear. Of course, showering in a cap kind of defeats the purpose of showering at all. His train of thought is focused on dreaming up what kind of horror Dream plans to hook him up with next, until it is interrupted by his cell phone’s musical tone. Hatman gets out of the shower, takes the phone off the counter, and answers it.
” Hatman speaking, “ the Capped Crusader states.
“ I’m just a little individual who happens to be the President of the United States, “ the caller replies. “ And I have a big favor to ask of you. “
” What is it, sir? “
” I want you and the Lair Legion to deal with the Commission. Talk with them, fight with them, assassinate them, whatever-- just stop them somehow. “
” I really don’t think we need to kill anyone, Mr. President. “
“ Tell that to the Commission. Those extremists in their floating castle are loose cannons, son. They’re unbelievably powerful, they wield technology beyond anything we have on Earth, and they’ve got a telepath on their side. Do you have any idea how dangerous they are to national security? If they ever turn on us.... “
” Assuming you don’t give them any reason to turn on you. “
” Hatman, they’re radicals. They’ll come up with some flimsy excuse to go after us sooner or later. Did you hear about that Slone fellow? They... “
” I know. I read the newspapers. But killing them would go against everything the Lair Legion stands for. We’d become like them. “
“ So what do you suggest we do? Talk things out? “
” At first, certainly. I believe we should try nonviolent methods first. I’ve met Nitz the Bloody in person; he seems like a reasonable guy. The others I don’t know so well, but I’m pretty sure we don’t have to resort to fisticuffs immediately. “
” And what if it doesn’t work? What if the Commission keeps doing what it’s doing? “
” Well, let’s hope it doesn’t come to that, Mr. President. “
“ I just hope to God you know what you’re doing, son. “
The caller hangs up. Hatman puts down the phone and goes back to the shower, with much more important things to think about than his next blind date.
NEXT: Nitz visits Ykraa, or what’s left of it.
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